Recap: In last week's digest, we discussed the types of negative people and eliminating external negativity between us and them.
In case you missed the digest, you can read it here.
In today's digest, we’ll hike to eliminate the negativity within ourselves.
Let’s begin,
It is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others.
—Daisaku Ikeda
Once we begin to eliminate the external negativities, we become better able to see our own negativity and begin to eliminate them.
Sometimes we deny responsibility for the negativity that we put ourselves into the world. But negativity doesn’t always come from other people. It’s easier to blame others when we experience negativity, but purifying our own thoughts and realizations will protect us from that negative influence, which is coming from within.
Envy, complaint, and anger are all self-driven negativities and to eliminate them, we need to see within ourselves. Envy means taking pleasure in the suffering of others. When we extract joy from other people’s failures, we’re building our pride on the bad luck of others.
The more we define ourselves in relation to the people around us, the more lost we are. —Jay Shetty, author of Think Like a Monk
We might never get out ourselves from envy, jealousy, greed, lust, anger, pride, and illusion, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying. Letting go doesn’t mean wiping away negative thoughts and feelings completely. The truth is those negative feelings will always arise—it is what we do with them that makes the difference.
Eliminate internal negativity
Here is a framework by Jay Shetty to neutralize negative thoughts and feelings: SPOT, STOP, and SWAP.
He was inspired by the monk method: awareness, addressing, and amending. And to make it simple, he introduced Spot, Stop, and Swap in his book, Think Like a Monk.
Let’s dive into them one by one,
SPOT: Become aware of a feeling or a thought.
Becoming aware of negativity means learning to spot the negatives around you and within you. You can try a 21-day challenge of not complaining, not criticizing, and not comparing, and keep a tally of how many times you fail. The more you are aware of these negatives, the more you may free yourself from them.
Keep a tally of the negatives over the challenge. See if you can make your daily negatives go down. The goal is to make it zero.
Negatives can reflect our own insecurity and get in our way. If you decide someone is against you, it can affect you emotionally, you might get discouraged by that and not do well in life and work. The stakes are that you’re getting affected negatively with it, you might hollow yourself here.
STOP: Pause to address the feeling or where it comes from.
When you are aware of your negatives, the next step is to address them with a pause. Control your body; whenever something negative hikes up in us, our body loses its control but you can control the body by addressing the negative with a pause, silencing it, and making room for the thoughts to come in instead of taking them away. Start with your breath, don’t hold it, let it in and out. Do not try to spit out your negatives to others, it becomes worse for you.
“Remember, saying whatever we want, whenever we want, however we want, is not freedom. Real freedom is not feeling the need to say these things.” —Jay Shetty.
When we limit our negatives to spit, we may find that we have a lot less to say. Nobody likes that awkward silence, but it is worth to free ourselves from that negativity. Criticizing or comparing yourself with someone else won’t make you any better; instead, it lets you go further down.
Try this: Whenever something hits you as negative, take a pause, address it and control your body there. You may talk to your closest friend about it afterwards.
It is better to deal with your own negatives in your own way. You can take the help of that close friend who listens empathically to you.
SWAP: We amend our behaviour; we swap it for a new way of processing it.
After spotting and stopping the negatives in your heart, mind, and body, you can now swap it. You may or may not completely avoid complaining, criticizing, and comparing and you can’t expect that you will. Researchers have found that happy people tend to complain. It’s been researched that writing about upsetting things, focusing on thoughts and emotions can foster growth and healing, not only mentally but physically as well.
We can be mindful by being specific. Like when someone asks how we are, we usually say, “good”, “okay,” “fine,” or “bad.” This is because we know that sometimes a truthful or detailed explanation is not needed or expected. But we tend to spit out harsh when we complain. Instead, we can better manage our feelings by choosing our words carefully. Swap your words like ‘I am angry’ with ‘I am feeling angry’ or ‘I am sad’ with ‘I am feeling sad’. Research has shown that when we give specificity to dangerous words, we start realizing that they are dangerous, and so we further take control of what we are feeling, saying, or doing. When our complaints are understood, by ourselves and others, they can be more positive and controlled. Choose your words carefully.
In addition, we can swap in positive feelings more deliberately like “empathy” and "compassion,” to express the ability to feel the pain and suffering of others. But there's no word for experiencing or feeling the joy of others. There is a sign that can be worked on, and we need to work on:
There is a principle called Mudita which tells to take a sympathetic and unselfish joy in the good fortune of others. —Jay Shetty (rephrased for simplicity)
In Jay’s words,
"If I only find joy in my own successes, I’m limiting my joy. But if I can take pleasure from the successes of my friends and family—ten, twenty, fifty people!—I get to experience fifty times the happiness and joy. Who doesn’t want that?”
You don't need to worry about someone’s taking your place or taking that pleasure. There’s no limit to it, there is unlimited space. Everyone can experience Mudita.
This is it, I hope you enjoyed the post, Do share your thoughts with me.
Thanks for reading :)
Keep learning.
Negativity and toxicity are everywhere; you can’t fully avoid them, but you can control them whenever they arrive in you—it is what you do with them that’ll make the difference.
Happy Sunday mates,
Blessings